Learning to Breathe Again

Have you ever forgotten how to breathe? Maybe even just for a moment. Well in a sense, that is how I have felt for the past several months. During the nearly 2 years of fertility treatments and 2 rounds of IVF I was holding my breath. Every thing revolved around appointments, cycles, medications, surgery, and the anticipation of what could be. Losing Thomas broke our hearts, losing Wyatt took our breath. We felt defeated. We felt confused. Why Lord, why did we have to lose our boys? This question may never get answered but it is always on our hearts.

One night this past week while I was wrestling with doubts and anxiety, God gave me the title of this post. Learning to breathe again. I immediately opened a note on my phone and started capturing all the things He brought to mind. How the doctors told my parents that I probably wouldn't make it to see 2 years old. He reminded me of all the appointments, tests and procedures I had to undergo as a kid with severe asthma. How I defied their odds and never needed supplemental oxygen. He reminded me of sitting in my 5th grade classroom doing my nebulizer treatment before joining the rest of my class at recess.

Then He reminded me of how my mom would help me breathe again during an asthma attack. After my inhaler treatment, she would hold my face, look me in the eyes and sing Jesus Loves Me. She would remind me to focus on slowing my breathing and calming my heart. This simple routine really helped me tremendously as I grew up. It taught me how to control my breath and even my heart rate. Instead of focusing on the fact that it was hard to breath I would focus on the words of the song. I would even try to sing, which by the way is impossible if you're hyperventilating.

As we move into yet another hard season of life, I felt like God was holding my face, looking me in the eyes, and reminding me of how much He loves me. He reminded me that He is with me, and that He will help me learn to breathe again. Despite not knowing why we lost our boys. Despite not knowing what lies ahead. Despite not knowing how long it will be before we hold our child. We can trust the Lord. He is always faithful. He has redeemed us and brought us into His glorious life. Like the lyrics to the well known hymn, It Is Well With My Soul, "When peace like a river, attendeth my way. When sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, though hast taught me to say. It is well, it is well, with my soul".

My prayer this week has been focused on trusting the Lord with our future. Adoption is bringing a whole new set of challenges and obstacles, but we are trusting that God will provide.

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How can I pray for you?